on your special day, please remember these simple rules

I’ve been to a lot of weddings in my day, as both guest and member of the bridal party. I’m 34 years old and I really feel like I’ve seen it all. One year I was invited to 7. That’s my highest tally so far (I think I went to 5 of them). This year it has been only two. So I think I can make an educated list on things that work and don’t work - a quick hit of things that can potentially make or break a wedding. I recognize that we all can't be super creative, but there is a fine line between tradition and cliches. I suggest you avoid the cliches. It's not that hard. I just urge you to consider the following observations. Take ‘em or leave ‘em, but remember, I am very wise.

• Unless you get married on a beach, there should be no sand. I don’t know who invented the sand ceremony, but it seems to me, the symbolism is completely made up.
• A live singer for the ceremony is not a bad idea, but please make sure he or she is on key.
• When choosing music for the ceremony, might I recommend that it be a new take on an old classic or a cool song that is reinterpreted for wedding purposes. Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” is not appropriate processional material.
• Unless it’s dark outside, may I suggest no candles. The unity candle is up there with the sand ceremony as something that makes no sense. Why do you need a candle or sand to represent the pledge of unity between the bride and groom. Isn't just saying your vows enough to indicate that you are united? Lighting a candle in a church to represent those loved ones who have passed away is the exception to this rule. But only in a church.
• Flowers need to be real. (You would think this would go without saying, but surprisingly I’ve seen it).
• Corinthians? Really? You couldn’t find anything else about love and what it means?
• A ceremony that lasts less than 15 minutes is encouraged. While your guests may be happy to watch you declare your love in front of god, man and the state, we’re really here for the party.
• If you insist on getting married outside, and it's not June, July or August,might I suggest that you allow your bridesmaids to wear fur. Faux or not, it’s up to you. But really, setting them up for pneumonia will not encourage a life long friendship.
• There is a a time and a place for 22 stories about the happy couple’s many adventures. It’s called a rehearsal dinner.
• Five speeches tops - bride’s family, groom’s family, best man, maid of honour, couple. Exceptions can be made if the speeches are short and extremely clever. Only in this case can more people step up to the microphone.
• Space the speeches appropriately. When dinner starts at 6, the last speech being completed by 10:40 is unacceptable. There are no exceptions to this rule.
• Remember to provide good/plentiful food for your bridal party all day - from the morning hair appointment through to the 800 photos. There is nothing worse than a ravenous, drunken bridesmaid in a bad dress who resents the bride. Recipe for disaster. And a ridiculously high bar bill.
• I understand that head tables are tradition and that you want your wedding party to feel important, but sitting on a pedestal so that everyone can watch you eat, stuck talking to the same people you’ve been hanging out with all day, is really not fun. A table dedicated to the wedding party is totally fine, just let it be amongst the guests, not isolated from the party.
• Do not stick more than two single girls at the wedding at the same table, surrounded by couples. Get ready for some resentful single friends, getting ridiculously drunk. Luckily they will be wearing dresses they actually picked out so will not be as resentful as the aforementioned underfed and pneumatic bridesmaids.
• Open bar. We’re in our 30s. We should not be paying for our drinks. Invite fewer people if necessary. Your great uncle does not need to come. I do however need a free gin and tonic.
• Slideshows are totally acceptable. That said, they can’t go on for longer than 10 minutes. Especially if you’ve been together for less than a year. Repeated pictures are not allowed. Embarrassing photos are encouraged. Also, please include pictures of your friends. Four minutes of the bride and groom is too much - we’ve been staring at you all day, seeing how we fit into your life makes us feel like we’re actually engaged in the process.
• A good live band is always welcome.
• Invite friends who can do the worm or will at least attempt the manoevre. A breakdance circle is also strongly encouraged.
• Final rule. Return of the Mack needs to be on the playlist.

I recognize that this list might come back to haunt me should I ever get married. But I stick to it for now, and I reserve the right to edit as needed. Besides, someday it could make for great speech material!